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Solo: A Scathing Review from a Galaxy Far, Far, Away

Ah, Solo! The recent in a line of unremarkable, bland mush pitted together to constitute a movie from the husk that once was LucasFilm. Even the most hopeful of movie critics walked out of the theater with more questions and disappointments then Last Jedi, which is saying something.

If you played a game where you downed beer for every meaningless character in this movie that dies you'd be diagnosed with alcohol poisoning. There is a laundry list of cannon fodder that last about 30 minutes maximum, from a feminist 'droid-rebel' to a weird monkey creature whose CGI was as believable as... no, nothing is faker then that monster monkey crew member's CG work, anyways.

To summarise the movie's excuse for a plot, we have Han Solo running around with a totally-not traitorous old man and his expendable crew of idiots trying to get fuel so bloodthirsty crime syndicates don't behead them. This isn't the Middle-East, no, so sorry if you were hoping this was a documentary.

Instead, the movie runs us through a similar retinue of epic CGI sequences of explosions and the iconic Falcon dodging projectiles and spacebound asteroid fields, alongside lasers from the ever-expendable and ever-incompetent Imperial Tie Fighters. We also get a reveal where the marauders we believe are trying to kill Solo and his crew for the fuel cells are actually good guys trying to stop criminal empires... Or something, I really don't know. If the writers and director stopped salivating over how nice that explosion or effect looked maybe the plot would've had a semblance of coherency.

To be fair to Solo, it was doomed from the start. Making a movie about Han Solo, an iconic Star Wars character whom we see die in a movie that takes place decades after Solo itself destroys any stakes, original idea, or tension. And when the side characters who do have the possibility to die are not enjoyable at all, you basically have the Last Jedi except in the Original Trilogy.

One of the only redeeming qualities of this film and arguably most confusing is the inclusion of the red Sith Lord Maul. The robot cyborg Sith warrior whom supposedly died in Naboo is now alive. And for Star Wars purists that have seen the Clone Wars and Rebels, you will understandably have no idea how Maul found time to lead another criminal empire. Guess what, the movie doesn't either and just indulges itself!

Well, that's fine, because truly trying to approach this movie with anything less then pure suspension of disbelief is viewing suicide. I know, it's Star Wars, space wizards and death-lasers, but it includes many mature adult themes in both the cartoons and other movies, the stellar Rogue One is an exemplary point! It displayed the grittiness and desperation the Rebellion endured while facing the fascist Empire.

Here, it's just... jokes galore, and SJW droid revolutions I guess. Also hey the dice on Han's speeder car thingy appear in Last Jedi so Star Wars Cinematic Universe confirmed... Or something.

3/10, still manages to be better then Last Jedi and it has Maul.